The Effects of Trauma: Why is My Child Out of Control?

Let’s be honest, there are few things in the world more strenuous than having difficulties with children's behavior problems. Whether you work with children or are having difficulties with your own, there are a few things to consider before developing a plan on how to address behaviors. 

As a teacher in special education, I spent several years working with the most at-risk children in our area of just over 1,000,000 in population. Some of the children who were referred to us were in and out of Juvenile Hall, others bounced around from group homes and foster care or were removed from their biological parents and cared for by grandparents or other family members. What most of them had in common was their exposure to or being victims of some sort of trauma.  

Trauma 

Trauma can greatly affect child development. When children go through traumatic experiences like abuse or witnessing violence, it disrupts their sense of safety and has lasting consequences. They may struggle with behavior, learning, and social interactions. Trauma can lead to anxiety, depression, and difficulties with attention and memory. It also impacts the brain's development, especially in emotional regulation and stress response. 

Some of the children I worked with experienced trauma which looked like neglect, or witnessing spousal abuse, drug use etc. Others were severely abused themselves and this resulted in severe behavior disorders including anxiety, paranoia, depression, self-harm, conduct problems, challenging authority figures, and the list goes on. Now these are extreme cases, but chances are that if you are a foster parent, a teacher, or the parent of a child who has experienced abuse, then you are no stranger to some of these behavior issues.  

However, there are more types of traumas than abuse. In fact, as a parent of a child with a chronic heart condition, we have experienced the impacts of trauma directly. Our oldest daughter spent her whole childhood in and out of the hospital and there were many moments that we were not sure if she would survive her childhood.  

The point is that there are many types of traumas that we inevitably will experience in life, and I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad, sad, or guilty. We won’t change anything by simply feeling some way, we must be solution oriented. There are three foundational concepts that you can use to build a framework in successfully addressing behaviors resulting from trauma in children.  

Stability 

The first and most important thing that we must do is be consistent and provide a sense of stability for our children. The greatest success that I have had as an educator and as a parent has been when I developed a strategy and stuck with it. Don’t be wishy washy in your approach and try to be present as much as possible. One thing that I have learned is that children will fight against you every chance they get, but you are not in a 100-meter race, this is a marathon. Once you change your mind set about this you will already be on the track to success.  

Children don’t like discipline, they need it. Discipline is often looked at as some negative consequence of your behavior, but this is not what discipline is. In fact, the root of discipline is disciple which simply means to teach. This is not to be confused with punishment which is the process of giving someone a physical or verbal consequence to prevent them from repeating a negative behavior. This will provide the stable environment needed for your child to learn to thrive. 

Love 

There is a famous phrase that says, “love covers a multitude of wrongdoing.” I am not in the camp that says love trumps all social problems and that we should just accept people for who they are and what they do. This is not love, it is actually quite the opposite, to allow someone to live a destructive lifestyle. In the same way, loving children requires teaching, correcting and investing in their future. Children need to know that you love them, you care about them, and you are invested in their success. Tell them these things often, not only when they are acting “right” but also when they are not.  

Grace 

The best way to drive something home is to repeat it often, but if you just stop there then you will fall short. You must also show this with your actions, and this is where grace comes in. Grace is the action of showing favor, compassion, or generosity towards someone, even if they don't necessarily deserve it. Grace involves treating others with goodwill and extending understanding and empathy, often in situations where punishment or judgment could be expected. 

In my classroom I would tell my students every day that their grace is renewed, and failures do not have to determine their decisions for tomorrow. Even if they really messed up, they only must choose to do something different, and their life would be changed forever. This is so powerful for kids and the same pertains in your own home. Allow your children to know that it is ok to make mistakes. The mistakes are opportunities to teach, but if children are afraid to fail, they will never try.  

Conclusion 

Providing stability, love, and grace to individuals who have experienced trauma is essential for their healing and growth. By offering a stable and secure environment, we create a foundation that helps restore a sense of safety and trust.  

Love plays a vital role in nurturing emotional well-being, providing comfort, and fostering healthy attachments.  

Through acts of compassion, understanding, and forgiveness, grace allows individuals to move forward from their traumatic experiences without carrying the burden of blame or guilt.  

Together, stability, love, and grace create a supportive framework that promotes resilience and empowers individuals to overcome the effects of trauma, leading to a brighter and more hopeful future. 

Remember to have faith in the process and be consistent in your approach. Faith is believing in what you cannot yet see and hope in what you know can be true. Until next time, keep the faith.